Posts Tagged ‘Stress’

Snapped !

Posted: July 15, 2014 in Rantings
Tags: , ,

I got up early last Sunday morning, trying to tip toe at home so as to not be noticed that I am awake, but only to be caught and reminded of pending work. Sigh ! .. What more can you expect from a boy having his 6 days of the week spent in Chambers of Accountants.

It didn’t go down well, but I had to do it. I checked myself hundred times even after completing all morning chores of having a shower and all that. I knew something is wrong, it was this particular day, where I would least want to have a bad hair day. But obviously, I have this old enmity with Murphy. I HAD a bad hair day already. Tried about half an hour to get my hair presentable and after little resistance, I head out of my house.

Murphy gets back, just when I reached halfway, it started raining heavily, I could have returned back, but had delayed these things enough, headed straight and reached. I entered this place after about 3 years. It felt weird, stomach churned, there were regrets already to not have taken enough the last time. I was minutes away to sign up for a new pack of humiliation. To move towards something, I’ll always be repelled to see. I was made to sit, white cloth dragged and adjusted behind me, I looked ahead, smiled grimly and SNAPPED – MY PASSPORT SIZE PHOTO WAS CLICKED !!


Tonight when I am writing this, I am in a state which I haven’t ever been. Weak by the shoulders that can’t keep my back straight, weak by the muscles that can’t even move my legs to walk fast and weak by the throat that can’t even be audible when I am talking.

I guess, I have lived an ignorant life. Ignorance for what happens around. May be, such situations or reality never touched me, may be because I was such a protected kid surrounded by people who I believe won’t even pronounce those words comfortably. But then, whom to trust? Sweet talkers are turning into devils and exploiting these days. In this world where even fathers have faltered in their dignity, respect and manhood, can I trust anyone around?

I don’t know how but somewhere my conversation with a friend reached to the situation of women in our country. Although I had read in newspapers, seen on TV and was aware of what is happening, the reason for such a mental shock and a physical rigidity on listening to it tonight only makes me realize how insensitive I was. Feeling sad, angry, join in protest wasn’t enough or doesn’t match to what goes around us and even though these incidents aren’t new, a personal account has shattered my state of mind at present.

I was at loss of words, had only Delhi Incident to be mentioned as the most horrendous one, besides Austria’s Joseph Fritzl, who locked her wife and daughters in a dungeon to rape all of them for 17 years or the couple who stayed lanes away in who in pretext of achieving wealth, allowed Tantrik to rape his daughters and exploit them apart from he doing it himself. May be there are countless more which I read, got agitated and eventually forgot over time. There are many of such which aren’t even reported. The Delhi girl died, but some are living such pains and atrocities everyday. Today in those 2 hours of conversation, she upright told me about what happened to her friends, what happens to her, what happens to unprivileged people around her and no one can do anything.

These things aren’t small, it rises from small things like a group of men or couple of them stalking you, following you, trying to bring their bikes near you, laughing or singing behind you to people who would stare in such a way making you feel disgusted about yourself to the ones who daringly comment or vomit filthy words only to insult or dishonor the victim. It doesn’t happen only to women, I agree. It happens to men too, although in relatively less occurrences. If these are tolerable and one may even walk up in the world saying that this world is hopeless and we can’t stop living for it, there shall come more such people who would force themselves and the other ones, that I cannot even think what all could they do.

The unfortunate ones who face this in their tender age have impressions on their lives. Those impressions only make them behave abnormally. What happens then? His/Her classmates will tease him/her for being different? His parents instead of understanding the plight shall keep scolding that child? Nowadays, tuition teachers have even started refusing weaker students. Even if a victim wants to recover and lead a normal life, that person won’t be able to because the children of our society aren’t sensitized or educated enough on this issue, because the relatives aren’t beaten to hell for their acts, because the offenders aren’t punished appropriately that they have fear, because no one cares to take an authority to fight against the warden or caretaker who abuses girls in a hostel or orphanage, because no one cares to investigate on take a bath in the swamp of our slums, because our Police never pays heed to such complains effectively, because no one of us have ever been educated or matured enough.

I don’t know what is going wrong and where it is going wrong. If our country is religious and follows all days properly like not eating non vegetarian on Tuesday or pray namaaz 5 times a day or observe fast on specific days, why none of the saints/priests/monks ever propagate respect, honor? Why do they propagate curfew for women instead? Now from where are these people like Asaram coming? Godmen for over decades and what they have been doing? Where is our conscience?

It has been difficult to type, I should have slept, my heart forced me to write it. While writing, I realize, how helpless I feel. I don’t know if I conveyed what I wanted to, I don’t even know if I had something to convey. There is only one chorus in my mind, “I don’t want to live in this world anymore – forget those tests, forget those realities, but I want to go somewhere, but not such place”. At the age of 21, I get this question, how will I protect my kid if the world is such now? It’s not right, we all are collectively going wrong somewhere. Does each one of us taking a personal oath of raising your son in such a way that he will respect, honor and protect every women around him work? I don’t know what will work, but I want something to. For I don’t know I will ever be comfortable or feel safe or feel relaxed unless my mother, sister, girlfriend, friend, wife or daughter or son be home henceforth.

And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.

                                                                                   —   Kurt Vonnegut

21 .. What an age for a boy ! All of a sudden, he will turn into a Man, responsibilities and expectations will increase, presentation of self will get utmost importance and first step of achieving dreams will touch the feet or be as near to be able to see with naked eye. But don’t you think there is more to this age?

It’s a time when all that you planned for your future gets a reality check. You realize nothing is butter and honey and there is perseverance and hard work required in all. Where you don’t know with whom you are competing and all those lessons of school to study your opponent goes waste because you never come to know who is going to battle you in the race of life. Where you realize that popularity and influence of your fathers, forefathers, uncles and friends of all the three will get you anywhere as easily  as making Maggi. Where you understand being nice and pleasing to everyone is so important and where it is difficult to judge who is talking shit behind your back. All those friends with whom you dreamt of ruling or at least being a celebrity in this world have disappeared soon after your farewell and graduation and inspirational and encouraging stories that you were always exposed to changes to stories of failure.

It’s a time when you realize that what will fetch you the goose that lays golden eggs was nothing but a facade created by people who themselves lie in order to safeguard their image and hide their self-defeating feeling. It’s a time when you realize that you have to sweat as much as your friend who celebrated all 5 years of college life unlike the sincerity that you kept. It’s that time when you realize that your job is not as expected by you and you won’t change your path for betterment for starting from scratch will scare your balls. It’s the time when you scroll through social networking websites, not to socialize but to check how much fun your friends are having. It’s that time when you will constantly compare yourself with your friends or your life with the life of your parents when they were young.

It’s that time when your heart gets broken and you wonder how can someone, whom you love so much do this to you.  It’s a time when you love one girl and then you fall in love with another girl. You feel sick because you are a good guy and you need to be serious on one. It’s a time when you would talk to yourself that you will have a better girl besides you in couple of years than the girl your friend has now and pacify yourself. Then again, you will feel sick of considering girl as a trophy and kicking love to backseat. Then you will get serious on love and go close to someone only to find that the lovee has already got someone in her life and you will fail as a lover once again. It’s that time when you will start looking at relationships in a different manner. One night stands or short hook ups and flings will make you feel tacky and you would seek long term or serious relationships. It’s that time when you will question if the person you have been with for such a long time is really worth it or it’s the time when you wonder if its too late to make a decision of getting done with.  It’s a time when suddenly you will see your age female friends declaring engagements or marriage and wonder how old you have become. It’s that time when you would halt for a second and look at a second year degree student and wonder how different you’ll look and then again sulk on how old you have become because they look as same as you.

It’s a time when your music taste will change. It’s a time when you will get frustrated of your own habit of procrastinating health and wellness of body, actually shape of physique. It’s that time when you will still lose on your promises to study as same as how you used to lose when you were a kid. It’s that time when all the lessons you learnt as a kid will be challenged and every day outside will make you feel that the world is going to dogs. It’s that time when you realize the world is selfish and all those friends you called best friends aren’t really that good and many of them that came and left your life were really good. You realize that someone you thought of it as a bitch is not really a bitch but then no one will do anything because everyone would be stuck in same doldrums as you.

It’s that time when you will laugh and cry in extremes. You will get scared or feel helpless or totally lonely. It’s that time when you will feel like running out of your house and hug that one person which matters most to you but then sleep with wet eyes that the person who is important to you, doesn’t feel the same for you. You question yourself if what you are doing is really worth it. You get more of such questions and have the same conversations with every friend time and again because you are in search of a conclusion which you won’t get because unknowingly everyone is suffering through the same phase.

You worry about the King Size Life, you always dreamt of. You start understanding the value for money and start wondering how would you build the foundation of coming phases of life. It’s that time when change is needed and when a change approaches, it scares you inside out and makes you cling to the past which has already flown away. It’s that time when you keep pondering over and try to clear this mess in your head. It’s the age where you have sudden intense fear of failure. It’s the age where everyday you will leave the house with basket full of expectations only to return home with all expectations unfulfilled followed by your lecture to yourself on ceasing to expect. It’s the age of 21 and somehow, somewhere, everyone of us is going through same emotions at some point or the other.

Source: Google Images

Source: Google Images

And when you start feeling pointless for hoping a better and healthy tomorrow and when you make “Aakhri Alvida na ho” song from Shootout at Lokhandwala, your theme song – YOU ARE GOING MAD !!

I won’t make any sense in defining the title of this blog. However, there is a significance behind both the things – “Homecoming” and “Battle with the Ego”. Basically, these are those two emotions that I have strongly felt past few days. Let me talk about Homecoming.

How beautiful is to be back home! Past many days when I suffered at the hands of food poisoning and faced deteriorating health – time and again coupled with heavy weakness and stomach aches – the only place of solace, of calm, of feeling safe and of relief was home. Home where your mother would get so worried for you that you will need to calm her down before you could rest your body, home where your father will try to rise your spirits by motivation or scare the shit out of you by counting possibilities of hazards that could have happened, home where your elder sister will try to make those bimaaro wala khana italian or mexican using different recipes or by merely making khichdi tasty by adding oregano and Maggi Masala into it. Past one month, all my days started with me counting hours before I will be back home from work. Terrible month, seriously !

But it was not just about me. For the first time, I observed something that I failed to observe past two years since I am working. Diwali holidays were nearing and half of my colleagues were leaving city to meet their parents. The joy of getting to eat home food, the joy of getting to meet family, the joy of sleeping with your head on mom’s lap, the joy of sharing stories with your father, the joy of teasing your sister, the joy of playing with your brother, the joy of being at home. To see that joy in the eyes of your friends was something more special than having a Pizza.  Not only my own colleagues, I felt happy looking at families or a boy or a girl with heavy suitcases waiting for CST train at Andheri Station or seeing them running towards Mumbai Central Station with a haste of catching the train to visit their village home. It was always special looking at all of this. A feeling so difficult to explain.

Coming to Battle with the Ego. It has been over a month and I am still not well and so, here I have two small versions of my own self circling around my head, poking me with their decisions. One – the egotist – nagging me for being weak, or for my immunity not working, or for not getting well soon and would ask me to get up, go to work, go to meet friends, go out and forget about the illness. Probably listening to this egotist, I am still not fine – Rest needed. Second – the caring guy – who will ask me to sleep one more hour in the morning, almost making me late for work. Who would ask me to cancel plans of meeting friends at the pretext of getting more sleep. One who postponed my plans to start studies by a month by pacifying me everyday that I shall be able to study once I am well, so I need to take rest and get well fast. Probably listening to the caring guy has made me a lazy bum, such a lazy bum that even my immunity is feeling lazy to act and fight.

Anyways, a lot of randomness thrown up here. Its like I have puked in this blog post. Goodnight for now. I shall take my medicines and listen to “Aakhri Alvida na ho”.

Source: Google Images

Source: Google Images